


When you find you (come back to me)

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 17:36:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4314207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the last episode of season two and follows what happens to Bellamy when Clarke leaves, while taking his heart with her</p>
            </blockquote>





	When you find you (come back to me)

_He waits at the gate, sees everyone pass through it and exchange short sentences with his friends. When there's only Monty and Clarke left outside he leaves his place. Monty meets him on the way after sharing an affectionate embrace with Clarke, his eyes are tired and sad when he turns to the camp. Clarke stands there, looking as if for an answer with shoulders tense and hands clutching empty to her sides. There's only them and he doesn't know how to not stay by her side through it all, through the last of their journey._

_"I think we deserve a drink", he says with a deep breath._

_"Have one for me", she answers after a moment of silence and it breaks something in him._

_"Hey, we can get through this", he can hear himself reply and he wishes that she'll believe him._

_With a shake of her lowered head she answers with determined words. "I'm not going in"._

_“Clarke, if you need forgiveness, I´ll give that to you”, he says with as much tenderness his broken soul can offer her. The memory of that exact offer made by her plays on his mind when their eyes meet for a split second before she turns hers away. “You're forgiven”. She doesn't answer, nor meet his eyes. "Please come inside", he begs._

_"Take care of them for me", she tells him and the air is knocked out of him._

_"Clarke-", he tries to come up with something, anything, that can convince her to stay. But she interrupts him with teary eyes and shaky voice._

_"Seeing their faces every day is just going to remind me of what I did to get them here"._

_"What we did", he corrects her and ignores the weakness that spreads through his veins. "You don't have to do this alone"._

_He watches her eyes as they lock on the people within the fence, the people she saved, the ones she made a sacrifice for to make sure they would be reunited with their families again. Her eyes are empty with sadness and darkened by heavy clouds which he noticed falling over her a long time ago - they came crushing down at her as she fired that gun that would be the first kill of the day from her side. One of many._

_“I bear it so that they don't have to”, she says and he can't help but wonder if she means it, or if she bears it so that_ he _doesn't have to._

_"Where are you gonna go?"._

_"I don't know", she replies and meets his gaze again. His heart aches for him to say it, to let her know that it's hers if she wants it, that he'll give it all up for her if she'd only stay. Stay here with him and fight her demons with him. He'll fight them for her if she would let him. But those words doesn't find him quickly enough, because she erases the space between them and takes him in her arms. She presses a hard kiss to his cheek and lingers at his side. With a deep breathe she leans in and her mouth ghost over his ear. “May we meet again”, she whispers._

_She leaves before he has a chance to answer or to beg once again for her to stay, to fight this with him. She leaves and does so with an emptiness filling the space in him that she's held for as long as they've been on the ground._

_“May we meet again”, he echos as her steps takes her further and further away from their home. From him. From the safety of the ones that love and care for her. He waits until the forest swallows her whole and takes her in. Until the sun no longer caresses his face and the warmth is long gone, only then can he leave and join the rest. The gate closes behind him with a click and he knows for sure this time - she's gone and some parts of her won't ever return._

\-----

The forest echoes empty. Not even the birds sing even though the mountain has fallen. Still, there's a new calm to the ground stained red from the injured. There's peace even among the animals that used to fear the acid fog. The source of the only sound making its way through the forest is found at Camp Jaha. The celebration among those who fought at Mount Weather and those who protected the base camp began the first night back at camp. It's been a week now and cups are still being passed around while singing about a glorious victory.

(Little do they know about the sacrifice made by one of their own.) It has been a week and still no sign of the one who's name everyone's lips bear.

There's peace. Finally. But it came with a price, a price they didn't anticipate. Something he never anticipated. 

He sits back against the stem of a tree with an obvious stiffness to his bones. There's nothing he can do, she's long gone in the deepness of the branches and green thick forest. This however, this he can do. Wait. Wait and look for movements between the trees. He waits but nothing comes. She doesn't come. He doesn't know what he thought would happen. He's silent and steady, enough to make the forest come to life. A two faced deer paces around the woods in front of him, unknowing of the human sitting at a tree ten feet away. He´s nothing to the creature and it aches somewhere in him, knowing that it isn't just a metaphor - he really is nothing. 

The celebrations has been going on nonstop since they came back. He doesn't mind it, they should celebrate. Only, to him alcohol does nothing but dumb the pain in his chest. Momentarily. When he wakes up the morning after with a banging headache and stiff legs, it all comes tumbling down and knocks the air out of his lungs once again. Here though, here in the woods where there´s nothing but quiet and calm, where the sounds of the camp can only tickle at his senses, here he can let the pain out. It evaporates from his lips with shivers, from his eyes as tears build up behind closed eyelids. Here he allows himself to grief and mourn. Here the forest can take him too, as it took _her_. Difference is that the sun sets and he stays for as long as he can, before Octavia's voice finds him as she calls for him to return.

But with each time he goes to this clearing, some parts of him never return.

\-----

The messy laugh fills the air as he reaches for the bottle for the fifth time, it comes from somewhere among the tents, it's probably Jasper´s by the sound of it. Behind him at another table Raven's proving once again that Murphy has nothing on her, two legs can't help him at arm wrestling and his right fist lands with thump against the table. Raven swings her hands up in the air with a mocking grin smeared all over her face. Wick smiles too from where he´s standing behind her with a watching eye. Bellamy snorts at the view and turns back forward, with a bottle in hand he takes another bitter sip. The laughter continues and it slowly tunes out the rest of the world as Bellamy closes his eyes. He tries his best to ignore it, but it´s an internal clock. It ticks, one, two, three seconds pass and he knows how many minutes every second adds up to. He knows just as well as he knows that the year is ending. It´s been more than weeks. More than months. 

He knows and the alcohol can't make him forget.

Octavia slumps down at his side with a careful look, one he could recognize as his own. If he cared to look at it long enough. She's worried. Worse than that, she understands his pain. Bellamy ignores her too and takes another sip, followed by two more to numb the first one as it settles in him.

“You shouldn't drink alone”, she murmurs with a tenderness to her voice that aches in his chest. When he doesn´t respond, taking another round of that liquor isn't one for sure, she sighs and leans back a bit. “You know, she's coming back, right?”.

The fact that she doesn't say _her_ name is a relief, but is scares him too. He doesn't wish to know what hearing her name would do to his already failing and horrible piece of shit life. One thing is certain - it wouldn't make it any easier. 

“Bellamy”.

His sister's voice is calm, but troubled. Her hand is reaching for more than his arm, but his arm is the only thing she can touch. Every other part of him is already numbed out.

\-----

The camp eochs silent. Or at least as silent as it can be with a dozen of guards patrolling the fence and another handful by the campfire. It´s close to midnight by the sound of Garret walking past his tent. He works like clockwork, which is fine with Bellamy considering that he can't sleep anyway. Garret´s shadow leaves his tent as he takes the next right to continue his patrol through the camp and Bellamy tucks his arm in under his head. It´s been easier lately, or maybe just not too difficult. His thoughts do run high most of the time and he catches himself watching the edge of the woods for any kind of movement more often than he wishes to. When others ask him as he abruptly stops in his movements to jerk his head around and scanning through the trees, he lies and says that he heard something.

He doesn't even believe that they believe it. He says it though, maybe if he says it enough time he'll start believing in it himself.

Another shadow falls over his tent, a smaller one. He doesn't take much notice of it until is becomes smaller and then the curtains to his tent are pulled apart, in steps Raven.

“Hey you”, she greets and straights up.

“Raven. What are you doing here?”, he asks and sounds a bit more annoyed than he initially intended to. She narrows her eyes at him and swaps his leg to make room for her on the bed.

“How are you?”, she asks and pulls up her left leg, the brace looks awkward but she doesn't let it on that´s for sure. 

He only closes his eyes with a huff. “Next question”.

“Ey”. Raven swats his leg again, making him peek out from under his eyelids with a harsh look in his eyes. “I´m trying to be serious here”, she tells him and looks down at him with sympathy. The last thing he wants to see.

“Where´s Wick?”, he replies which causes Raven to look surprised, that gives him a little bit of satisfaction. “I though the two of you were attached to the hip”.

“Shut up”. He catches her hand before she can hit him and is met by a fiery look. “We're not that bad”, she continues and Bellamy lets go of her hand.

“So what, are you close now, is that what you're telling me?”, he asks and she shrugs her shoulder, but the smile on her lips is way too obvious. Good, he thinks and angles his legs a bit better to give her more space.

“Almost being blown up in pieces does that to you”, she answers and the smile only grows. That on the other hand makes his heart ache. He too knows how it feels to feel like that. Only, the person he feels like that for isn't anywhere to be found. “Do we have to have sex?”, Raven says from out of nowhere.

“What?”.

“You know, getting dirty, so that you can move on from this already”, she explains with a weird and extricated hand gesture. She's joking of course, he understands that. Still, the thought has played on his mind a couple of times, but never really rooted itself.

“Did it help you?”, he asks and she laughs a hollow laughter. Maybe that´s enough of an answer.

She takes a moment, longer than he anticipated her to. When she looks over at him, her eyes are teary but smiling. Maybe she has found a way to heal after all. “That's not the point”, she says with that smile spreading to her mouth and then she squeezes his knee before standing up.

“Thank you, Raven”, he breathes as she pulls apart the curtains and she turns to him again, she nods understanding. 

“No problem”. She leaves him as quickly as she appeared and for a moment he wonders if this is him dreaming, but the hint of oil in the air is a testament to that she was real.

\-----

The snow is thick layered under his feet and the trail that follows behind him is soon filled up again. People are crowding around the multiple fires built around the camp. The talk is loud while breakfast is being prepared. They haven´t seen any signs of movement among the trees for the last two days. Only those who are assigned to hunt can report on life in the forest, once or twice over the gone month have they returned with a dear, but mostly they're surviving on soups made of roots. Spirit is high, thankfully, and so is the comradeship. Everyone seem to have moved on from what happened at Mount Weather. Even those who carry scars from the torture they were victim of.

Time seems to heal even those wounds.

The cold has grown on him this last week. Or maybe he has just gotten used to it. He sleeps better too, when he sleeps that is, which only happens if he pushes himself to a collapse. Although dreams still haunt him, more and more when he´s awake too. At least he doesn't turn to the bottle as much anymore, thanks to Raven who poisoned him and made him sick for a week that is. She seems to be doing well too. She has made a habit of visiting his tent at night, she says that she does to check up on him and make sure he doesn't do anything foolish, but the dark corners under her eyes tells another story. He knows that she misses _her _too, they don't need to talk about it but they both know within the silence they share - _she_ was something different to them both, something that left a big invisible hole after itself when she left.__

__He stops to watch a pair of kids playing in the snow, laughing with all their hearts, rolling and wrestling in the white cold. A smile fills his lips, but it´s swept away as the two guards stationed at the east end of camp come rushing past him._ _

__“What´s happening?”; he yells to get some attention from either one of them. The last one, Ben, stops for a second and points to where Bellamy came from._ _

__“There´s someone riding for the gate”, Ben replies quickly and then takes off running for the gate again._ _

__“Riding?”, Bellamy mumbles and frown his forehead. The only people nearby traveling by horse is the Grounders and for all they know they returned to Polis as Winter was upon them. And no Grounder would have any business here, so it doesn't make any sense. Although, there´s one other alternative. “Clarke”. His legs hasn't carried him this fast before, determined to be there first if he can to greet her with all his broken pieces._ _

__When he reach the gate it is armed to its fullest. Even Raven and Octavia, accompanied by Lincoln has left the warmth in their quarters. He meets his sister's gaze for a moment and the question is shared between them, and the hope too. He pushes through the crowd to Abby and Marcus._ _

__“Keep it calm!”._ _

__“Could it be-”, Marcus starts but stops as Abby shakes her head, disbelief written all over her face. But Bellamy knows better than believe that she doesn´t hope too._ _

__“Here they come”, Marcus announces and Bellamy steels himself, for the worst, for the best._ _

__Neither come._ _

__On the path leading up to the gate comes to riders, clothed in Grounders attire. Bellamy tries to focus on their faces, but they are painted black, although the size of them wouldn't ever make them pass as Clarke. So he breathes out, all the hope leaving his chest once again, but his muscles are still ready to fight. Or whatever they are here for. They pull for a stop teen feet from the gate and circles around themselves a few times before steadying their horses._ _

__“Clarke kom Skaikru”, one of them yells and Bellamy feels his heart tighten. The next sentence is all gibberish and he feels the anger bubble up within him. The least they could do is use English. Not speaking the common tongue only tells him that they still need to be on their guard - that the alliance is truly over._ _

__“What is he saying?”, Abby asks and she doesn´t too happy herself. A moment later Lincoln appears by Bellamy's side._ _

__“They got a message for Clarke”, he explains with a stiff expression. “From Lexa”._ _

__The talk among the people standing by to see what the fuss is about quiets at the sound of Clarke´s name. Only whispers work their way through the crowd. Bellamy wants to quiet them all, clear all of those people out and just not have to listen to it, the talking, the guessing and odds that she'll return. His own thoughts are enough without having to listen to other´s. Marcus seems to agree with him and shows it by ordering the crowd to spread out, go back to work or whatever they were doing before. Lincoln´s still standing by his side and behind them have Raven and Octavia joined._ _

__Even Monty and Jasper stay. All of those that have any sort of real connection to _her_ stays and join in as the gate opens._ _

__Lincoln does the talking, which isn't much, while Bellamy paces back and forth, carefully watching the riders with the rifle ready in hand. They doesn´t seem too happy about encountering Lincoln among the Sky People. Even their horses seem aggravated. They leave without passing on any message. Lincoln can't tell him anything apart from that Lexa hasn't heard or seen anything of Clarke. Whatever she wanted with Clarke it was meant for her ears only. Still, they do leave a message._ _

__Clarke never made it to Polis._ _

__\-----_ _

__The air he exhales is thick and white when it leaves his lips. The temperature has gone down to its lowest and he can feel it, his cheeks stings and his lips quickly become dry. He´s been walking for hours, much longer than he intended to, but the cold doesn't only force him to take detours, it slows him down too. Snow cover his legs, almost all the way up to his knees and his clothes are already damped._ _

__(Abby warned him about this, told him to say and wait out the cold dropping. He would only risk getting a severe cold, she'd told him. He didn´t listen.)_ _

__His destination has been clear to him for several days, but it was today he felt the need to execute the journey. He had left the rest of the patrol near the dropship, which they used as a hike out, to continue on his own. Jasper had asked to come with him, argued that were he was going was far out of the reach for any help or rescue, if something was to happen he'd be gone. Bellamy had only smiled, tiredly, and told him to get the other back to camp safely._ _

__What he didn't tell Jasper was were he was going._ _

__(If he had, he would have been forced back to camp with any and all means.)_ _

__It´s beautiful. The white looks so peaceful. Somehow it makes the quiet less frightening. Not even the animals seem to have disappeared under the snow, but at every other tree and shrubbery they've left footprints that are protected with long, thick branches to keep them from being covered by the falling snow. The Archives on the Ark had some pictures of how the seasons changed on Earth. They were shown during in History as a part of learning about the human history and heritage, but an image can´t ever be compared with steeping on snow, fold it into tiny balls and then see it crash into flakes again when the balls hit the ground. Every single day teaches him something new about this world and all of it is astonishing, breathtaking and completely different from what he'd expected._ _

__When he reaches the clearing he doesn't realize it at first, much of what used to be a lively village is only stone and wood left to be covered by the same white falling over the whole forest. When the battle was won at Mount Weather and the journey back to Camp Jaha began, Clarke lead the group off the path to TonDC, but the wreckage was too great. Even now it´s a mess even though it´s been covered up_ _

__He stops at the very edge, where he can see it all and still take cover behind the trees in case someone or something would appear in the quiet. It doesn't make any sense, not even to him, why he would want to visit this graveyard. But over the months he has visited every other place anyone would have guessed that Clarke could have had any connection to. That's what he's working with - her feelings and attachment to anything at all. He has spent more nights than any other guard at the dropship, just in case she would return there, and the graveyard that Well's built is well taken care of because of his recurring visits._ _

__He´s gone crazy. He has lost parts of him he didn’t know a human being could lose._ _

__Yet again, he didn't think he would ever lose her. How well that turned out._ _

__\-----_ _

__The Winter is coming to an end. There´s only traces of it left, huddled up against trees and hidden within the bushes. The temperature has gone gradually the last few days, enough to leave his jacket in his tent next to the rifle. The only thing left is to get rid of the gloves he involuntarily brought - Octavia pushed them into his bare hands just as he left, there wasn't anything he could say to that. It´s been a long time coming, longer than he wishes to think of, since he could pull himself together and come back here, to the place that still haunt his dreams. He´s not that emotional about it, but it feels wrong on levels he rather not feel. Coming back to this very place is like saying goodbye. After all the months he has spent waiting, there´s nothing left than that._ _

__There´s only this._ _

__He falls back against the stem of the tree. It´s cold. The moss is damp and the dampness spreads to his shirt, lingers on his neck after he lets his head fall back too. He can smell it in the air, the sun has already woken up what has been asleep and all around him life is restored and all the flowers reaching for room overground already stain the air with all their individual scents. He hasn´t been back here, scared that when he did he'd lose control. Maybe he will, at some point. Not now. When he´s recovered, probably then, then he'll feel the affects of giving up. Because that is what this is._ _

__He´s ready to give up._ _

__The odds was against him from the beginning, against them from the beginning. Now there´re no more betting or hoping, no more praying or wishing. Raven and Octavia gave up weeks ago, after the snowstorm that hit them and teared up most of camp. No one without proper shelter could have survived that. They gave up, it showed in their eyes, in the way they avoided any conversation about people they've lost, when they sat together and whispered quietly with tears running down their cheeks. They gave up and he couldn't believe it. He hated them for it. Both of them got their fare share of his opinions and rage, but they said nothing._ _

__Maybe they knew, he thinks and smiles hollowly. Maybe they knew that he would understand, that he too would realize that a lone wolf only survives so long._ _

__But he knows himself. He knows of the grudges he can keep for people, people that don't ever matter to him. He knows, that even though years and years will pass, he'll never truly give in to the truth. Nothing can turn him that weak. He won´t let it._ _

__Like a flashlight in a deep darkness the quiet ends. He opens his eyes instantly, reaches for his gun and aims in the direction the noise came from. It was a branch, he knows it, it cracked. His breathing is shallow, every part of his sense are focused and his eyes work their way through the gaps between the trees. There´s nothing, but there´s something. He knows it. He knows this forest and this part of it especially from all the days and nights he camped out here. Animals are cautious, not foolish enough to make sounds that high or distinguishing. He´s finger is sharp and the trigger, his breath is held without him thinking of it and then something light is caught in his view._ _

__It´s an agonizing feeling that hits him. It pushes through him and makes his arm shake with such force he has to lower it. She stops in her movement and their eyes meet._ _

__Something precious, small and quivering fills her lips. "Bellamy", she says his name like the prayer he has used hers as._ _

__"Clarke"._ _

__He drops his gun, it falls behind him, and sets of forward. She flings herself into his arms, cradles his neck and digs her nails into his shoulders. He can feel the tears on his cheeks and the ones she is soaking his t-short with. He forces a deep breath, she smells like rain and flowers. If there´s a god, he´s sending him all his gratitude. Ecstasy flows through his veins. And he could stay like this for hours, but he has to see her face, to properly see her again._ _

__So he breathes out heavy and lets her let go first, then takes a inch of a step back, careful to not leave her touch more than necessary. Her eyes are shining with tears and joy and he can see his own smile in him. "You're really here. Are you okay?"._ _

__"I'm fine", she replies and squeezes his arms. He waits, can detect the mix of emotions on her face. She looks away and it feels like a dream, he´s almost scared that something will wake him from this dream with a terrifying truth. Her eyes are glowing when she looks back at him again. "I missed home"._ _

__It´s all he needs to know. There´s an understanding - he doesn't have to know where she´s been or how she made it here, there will come a time when that can matter, for now all he has to know is that she´s here with him. He smiles tenderly and reach for hand, laces their fingers together and move to lead her back to camp. "Come on"._ _

__"No. I missed _home_ , Bellamy", she says and pulls him back, unlaces her fingers from his and lets her hands cup his face. Eyes glowing like fires in a dark night. He watches her._ _

__So many moments has been spent listing for her, dreaming of her, and now she's back in his arms. It hits him like a sledgehammer and tears run down his cheeks._ _

__"Clarke", he begs with arms reaching around her waist to pull her closer, hands locking behind her back. "Don't leave me again"._ _

__Her fingers wipe the tears away and then their foreheads rest against each other. "I won't", she whispers._ _

__Her kiss taste of salt. Longing. Memories. Pain. A promise of many more to come. Her embrace his is salvation and he lifts her up from the ground to holder her to him, making him her gravitation._ _

**Author's Note:**

> find me on inspiration-feeds-creatiivity.tumblr.com


End file.
